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I Wanna Be a Canadian

by Gustavo Gonzalez

according to a United Nations report [the Canadian Government tells us] Canada is one of the best countries in the world to live in. Canada is a democracy, a democracy in action.

Where else would you find a city mayor [Canada's largest city] who's popularity soars around the 80% mark in spite of having posed for commercial ads in jailhouse stripes and called himself "Bad Boy"? Who writes to the Spice Girls and threatened to kill a T.V. reporter who joked about his wife's troubles with the law? Where else would you find a mayor who gives himself a black eye while in the process of answering the phone?

Where else would you find two political parties, the Reform and the Tories, both calling themselves conservative and each despising each other more than they dislike the socialists, who are rejected by voters but who's policies governing parties like to steal?

Where would you find that those politicians lucky enough to get elected must ignore the wishes of their constituents in favour of toeing the party line or risk expulsion?

You do not find, often, a former Prime Minister, who after been chosen by the Federal Tories to lead their party, quits the leadership because only 67% wanted him to stay and then agreed to take the job back if 51% liked him.

Only Canada would tolerate and finance a major political party whose sole goal is to break up the country, yet it finds it unconstitutional to ask MPs to swear an oath of allegiance to Canada, and prohibits their members or parliament to display little Canadian flags on their desks.

Only we would tolerate a Prime Minister who pays half a billion dollars to cancel the purchase of badly needed new helicopters. And then spends nearly as much [when you add the cost of the new deal, plus the cancellation penalty] for a lesser number of inferior ones!

Only we have such an institution as the Royal Shrinking Armed Forces that has not fired a shot in anger in nearly 50 years, has more generals than functioning tanks and soldiers who are susceptible to post-traumatic stress from watching videos warning them about post-traumatic stress disorder.

How can I explain Canada's current Prime Minister's political agenda and platform? The man, who has broken all of his campaign promises [with the exception of the helicopters deal] consults homeless people, physically attacks someone who heckles him, and jokes about pepper-spraying peaceful protesters. Yet the man remains more popular than any of his predecessors, including the former P.M., who in spite of winning more seats than anyone in Canada's history and following through with his political promises, remains the most unpopular man in Canada, excluding serial killers.

Canada may be the only country where a provincial cabinet minister offered to take a lie detector test to prove that she was telling the truth when she said she lied.

Only Canada would pay immigrants to maintain cultures they have left, rather than encourage them to adapt to the culture we have come to. Only Canada would allow illegal immigrants to stay here for years before deporting them - presuming we can then find them.

Oddly enough, in a bilingual society where English is one of the official languages, you find laws making the display of English signs in certain parts of the country as constituting a crime. Where else would you find a language police whose only function is to prowl the streets in search of English signs with letters that are larger then the French versions?

Where else would you find a league of eight professional football teams where two of them have the same name? I hate to think of what would have happened if we had twice the number of teams!

Only in Canada smoking cigarettes would be considered less acceptable than stealing them.

When I stop and ponder about all this, I tell myself: "I could do worse. I want my Canadian Citizenship and Passport papers, now! I deserve them. I already feel like a Canadian."

Gustavo Gonzalez is a Survivor of Psychiatric Abuse [not a psychiatric survivor] who lives in Ontario and hopes to make his case in a court of law some time before his death.
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