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Oct 30

Marcus Paulson

i keep on thinking about my past failures, or what I believe to be failures. It gets to the point that I think of nothing else. It permeates every pore of my being, like when you eat too much garlic. It blurs everything. I find it hard to think about anything else.

Granted, I don't have many failures, because I haven't really tried that hard. It's better to not try and fail, that to actually try and fail. This does not make much sense, but neither does most thing I think about.

I think this can be traced to my low self esteem. It is something that is apparent to most of the professionals I have seen. (I won't start trying to name them, the list is too long.) I have to work on this aspect of my life.

But I have a major problem. I tend to have to follow things in a sequence. Before I work on something, X, Y, and Z need to be in order first. Like, before I work on my self esteem, I have to have my BA finished, and I have to have a job, etc, etc. It's like that with most things.

And of course, I do nothing, so I can't do anything else.

It's about time that I did something. I am starting to. I am doing more school work that I usually do, although not as much as I would like to have done. (There I go again, thinking of the negative rather than the positive. That goes with self-esteem, I guess.)

I am still on track for my weekly goals, except the writing down of my food. But I have not over-eaten, much.

I will leave off with a quote: "Human families don't call each other by rank, they use names like 'you' and bastard.'" --Dick Soloman, High Commander.

Marcus lives with his parents in British Columbia. "E-mail my whiny ass at"

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