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Sept 28

Marcus Paulson

i guess it is "crunch" time for me. I have a stack of those liners from plastic bottle caps with numbers on them, telling me how long I have until I have to write the final exam in one of the courses I am taking. As well as the exam, I have to write a 12 page essay. However, it's on the political ideology represented by John Locke, so it should not be that hard. Locke 'built' the foundation which lead to early liberalism.

I am finding myself worrying over an error I found in my midterm, which is still being marked. But if I wasn't worrying about that, I would find something else to worry about. I have never been good at concentrating on any one thing for too long. That is one of the things I am working on. Hopefully it will come with practice. And I don't find my mind as sharp as it used to be. One does not expect to go from a couch potato to a marathon runner overnight, so how can I expect my mind to be in top form after so many years of neglect.

I am worried that I won't get my work done on time. I put it off for so long, and now I am having to face the consequences. I don't do well under pressure. I do as much work under pressure as when I am not, which is very little.

It is time to put the old Marcus behind me, and create a new Marcus. I am the type of person who wants all or nothing. It's perfect or nothing. Every since reading the philosophy of Plato, I have come to realize there is no such thing as 'perfect,' so I am left with nothing. That is how my life has been during the past few years. I have not been taking the opportunities for personal development that are available to me. Part of that is that I am shy and introverted, and can be almost frightened by the prospect of social interactions. I know that there is really nothing to worry about, but knowing in your mind, and carrying it out are 2 different things.

This week, I want to take little steps towards improvement. I am always taking little steps, unfortunately, I eventually step backwards, because of the all or nothing thing. I want to walk/jog 5 times, and do strength training 2 times. I want to write down all of my food intake. Of course, I want to have my essay mostly done, and most of the reading that I have left to do before the exam.

I also tend to waste a lot of time. I will strive to make a record of how I spend my time, so I can study it. This thought depresses me, because I feel bad about wasting time, and doing over it again, will make me feel worse, but I feel this step is necessary.

I will have to see if I can carry out all I want to do during the week.

Marcus lives with his parents in British Columbia. "E-mail my whiny ass at"

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