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Sept 24

Marcus Paulson

i suppose I could be in a worse situation. I'm not addicted to anything stronger than caffeine, I don't have to live without a home, I don't have to wonder where my next meal is coming from, and I'm in good physical health.

In 1995, I was diagnosed with major depression, and was pretty much constantly suicidal for 2 years. I have also had other diagnoses for mental illnesses, but depression is the main problem. Now I am 26, living with my parents in a small town, unemployed. I don't think I will ever get a job, even thought I plan to move to the big city soon to look.

Right now, I really don't do a lot. I am suppose to be doing coursework from a distance education school to finish my BA in Political Science, but basically I don't really work on it as much as I should to get it done on time. If I get this one, and another done in time to graduate in May 2001, it will be 9 years to complete a 4-year degree. Ok, so I have a computer-programming diploma in there as well, which also took me longer than expected to complete. I get distracted, and never get much done, except to make my parents dinner, which is necessary to do in order for my to stay here.

As well, I am over 300 pounds. I have recently tried start jogging. It's hard to get up to do it, and I keep making excuses. If I get up at 9 am, it's too late to go out. And I plan to write down everything I eat, but never do. Today I will strive to do it, although I strive to do it every day, and never do. And to make matters worse, every few days, I do out and pig out on junk food because tomorrow I will reform my eating habits.

I don't know why I am writing this, with intent to have it published on the web. I, myself, don't like to read other people's whining. I plan to chronicle my struggle back from mental illness to being a productive member of society.

Marcus lives with his parents in British Columbia. "E-mail my whiny ass at"

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