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I Am Barely Canadian

james hörner

i want to be a CEO or at least VP, I want to live in a mansion, drink champagne and own a BMW.

I wouldn't want to know Jimmy, Suzie or Sally from Canada, unless of course they're willing to work for minimum wage as computer programmers. I have a prime minister but secretly want a president. I speak English and broken French, which doesn't make me all that different from Americans who speak English and broken Spanish. And I hardly ever say "eh".

I could proudly fly my country's flag, but like everyone else I don't. I believe in doing business with dictatorships, not peacekeeping; diversity, not assimilation, unless of course we can preach one and do the other. And that the beaver is an idiotic mascot that most of us have never seen but would be willing to wear. A toque is a hat, also worn in cold U.S. cities, and a couch is a couch is an IKEA.

And it's spelled Centre. OK. Not Center. Centre, because we like to think we're still under British rule. Canada is the second-largest mostly-unoccupied land mass, the first nation to lose hockey and the most insignificant part of North America.

My name is James and I want to be an American.


here's the real Joe Canadian super-nationalistic rant from Molson, in case you were wondering...

I'm not a lumberjack or a fur trader. I don't live in an igloo, eat blubber or own a dogsled.

I don't know Jimmy, Suzie or Sally from Canada, although I'm certain they're very nice. I have a prime minister, not a president. I speak English and French, not American. And I pronounce it "about" not "a-boot."

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack. I believe in peacekeeping, not policing; diversity, not assimilation. And that the beaver is a proud and noble animal. A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch.

And it's pronounced Zed. OK. Not Zee. Zed. Canada is the second-largest land mass, the first nation of hockey and the best part of North America.

My name is Joe and I am Canadian.


james hörner thinks canada is ok, he just likes to make fun of its self-righteousness and marketed nationalism now and again.

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